It's a doozy!

We have been home for 2 months! Our time home has been an amazing transition, not without trials but every day I look into the eyes of Wolasa "sammy" and cannot believe he is here! I cannot believe that not so long ago he was across the continent. Without a doubt I can see God's divine appointment and plucking Wolasa out and placing him in our family. He is our son! I laugh at how often I say that statement under my breath as he is running around the house screaming and chasing our girls and vice versa. He was laying on my lap one night with his head on my shoulders and as I looked around the room at my other kids, it was as if he had been with us all along. He has been carefully chosen and woven into our family! Hmmmmm, sounds very familar. All I can say is the gospel of Jesus is more crisp and clear for me. It's been very humbling to say the least. I had to share that a few weeks ago ( I’ve been meaning to share this story awhile back). I was in the middle of my Beth Moore study and she brought up adoption. She shared the story about the little boy they had with them for 7 years only to go back to his father. How much she loved this boy, their son! How it was extremely difficult with all that he brought in (an older child) but the joy they had! When folks would ask them why they adopted her response... Gods' will, and nievity. I thought the second was so great. She stated had they had known everything that this child had gone through and what he was going to bring ahead of time they would have walked away. They most likely would have said no, out of fear and disappointment. YET the LORD knew EVERYTHING that we were going to bring into HIS family. HE knew every time I was going to disobey, reject HIM, ignore HIM, turn away, and follow and yearn for my old father, the father of lies. That there would be hours, days, years that I would not attach to HIM… YET, GOD didn't care! What a picture of GRACE! HE gave up his one and only son (biological) for me..ADOPTION. Ephesians 1:5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His willAs I shared with Cary God's love just came flowing through, "Cary, he signed the papers anyway!" I had coffee that same week with a friend. She brought her bible study to me ( a different one) and said "I need to share this with you" As she started reading I couldn't believe it, a small paragraph written by Max Lucado talking about Adoption, everything was the same! Then at the end he stated, "He signed the papers anyway". What Joy and gratitude that brings me. I wrestled SOO much before I stepped out in faith to adopt . Lord, “what if?” fill in the blank, I asked the Lord everything and at the end of the day let go, trusted in what I ABSOLUTELY could not see or have control of. To adopt a boy from across the world. WHY? we wanted more children,yes, but the honest truth, God asked. With most of my questions unanswered, we moved forward. It was different after that, the fears came but they quickly subsided when I was quickly reminded by a confident God that we were doing the right thing. God is so faithful! Wolasa is healthy and has so much love to give! I love him! He is in love with my girls and vice versa! Caitlin and Carly’s gifts have been more cultivated in the past 2 months than in the last year. What a gift. What if I had said no…and allowed fear to paralyze me. What if I had told Cary send money instead or not have finally been willing to pray instead of telling friends 2 years ago,” adoption is great for you but not me”. I have learned so much about who I am in Christ and am being refined in so many areas because of this choice. My eyes are opened to so much more, what if I had said no? I can’t imagine if Wolasa still had to be there without a family. Will it be hard…YES, YES, YES!!! are my biological kids hard, YES, YES, YES!!

As I write this tonight I am so emotional because Cary and I are praying about adopting again. There is a girl that has been put on Cary’s heart( because he was around her over there, I didn’t get a chance to hang out with her), a girl we met back when we were there and then Cary got to see her again this last trip. We are praying for unity on the decision, whether to adopt or what ever the Lord would have us do. We are praying for clarity, clarity, clarity and if not what the Lord desires for our family. SO as I wrote everything above about Wolasa, I’m sitting here very still thinking , “uhhmmm, I need to really listen to what I just wrote” , what an eye opener because I have wrestled all over again about this girl, the same exact questions. “What if Lord? What if its’ really hard, it’s going to be! How will I do it? will the girls be ok? Will I be able to love her Lord the way she needs to be, am I capable? There is so much unknown God, I feel inadequate as it is, I struggle with feeling like a failure.” I know what God’s word says “ You can offer her ME and through ME you are capable” John 15:4-5 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
Please pray for her, It feels so incredibly selfish what I am wrestling with considering where she is right now. But I am thankful that God is taking care of her, I KNOW that she is precious in his sight, named in her mother’s womb. Luke 12:23-30 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24"Consider the (X)ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor (Y)barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!
Please pray for our family as we continue to pray , pray for unity and that we would cling to HIS word for guidance. Lord thank you that you gave up your one and ONLY child for me, wow, you NEVER said “what if?” You have plenty of reasons to walk, but you made a choice Lord, to Love, committed because of your faithfulness, your word!
So now I want to share my heart regarding our trip to (I’ll make it short, if that’s possible) Theme; Apart from me. I will confess that Africa was a hard trip for me. I went there thinking I would be on fire and excited only to be rocked and robbed of joy and peace. I was overwhelmed by it all and instead of embracing, I wanted to flee. I recognize so much of my emotions were tied to getting Wolasa, but emotionally I shut down and wept every night. I struggled with Not “feeling” more compassion or empathy due to shutting down. I couldn’t go there, so my heart couldn’t open fully and experience all that God had for me. The first few weeks I was home I was really bummed out. I also realize how much I cling to comfort, I struggled with being somewhere that made me uncomfortable. I struggled with fear, irrational fear. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I just wanted to come home. What the Lord showed me during my stay was this…I came in thinking I was in a certain place with my faith only to walk away humbled to where I really was . The Lord showed me (as a dear friend reminded me) that APART FROM HIM this is who I am…fearful and insecure and clinging to life itself.
When I am yielded there is PEACE and there is a joy that comes only from the Lord. I become energized, courageous, informed of God’s sovereignty! I’m afraid I missed out on a lot of joy. As my husband encourages me, “Sarah you were faithful, you may not have felt it but you were faithful”. Yes, he is right! I was obedient to the Lords calling to adopt and I praise the Lord for the gift of our beautiful son! I was obedient and loved these kids the best I could over there. But I knew going to Africa, God wouldn’t just teach me about adoption. I can tell you this… The people of Ethiopia are beautiful! I’ve never seen so much joy! Ethiopia is a beautiful place! Over the past several weeks I’ve been processing all that I saw, in the midst of getting to know my son. Where I am today? Resting in God’s word, still processing, trusting God and what HE is doing in my heart, rocking me. I told the Lord awhile back, “give me another chance, I want to go back and experience all that you desire for me and to be your hands and feet”…I suppose HE will do just that.